It's get harder and harder

I believe I'm at the lowest point of this chemo treatment so far.  I have always been an emotionally and mentally strong person, but this is kicking my butt.  I have cried for the past week at so many things.  I am always thinking about others instead of me...especially during all of the chemo treatments.  My friend Jessie, knows when I am not telling the truth about how I'm feeling.  She has me figured out right now, especially.

I never want to be a burden on anyone, so I just suck it up and push on.  I think there are very few people who truly realize how crappy I feel.  Just because I am still trying to go to work and maintain some since of normalcy in my routine, doesn't mean it isn't as bad as people have heard.  It's even harder!!!!!  I have been told by many people to file for FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) and stay home and rest.  In the back of my mind, I keep thinking about all of our medical bills that have only just begun, how much work I will have to do to catch up when I do go back to work, and Jeremiah being worn out from shouldering the financial responsibility of all the bills being paid.  That upsets me more than pushing my body to do things I probably shouldn't do. 

My body hurts all the time time and I barely have the energy to go to the kitchen to get something to drink.  I will lie on the couch for several hours and not ask anyone to get something for me because I know they are already doing so much.  I know, my family and friends have chosen to help me.  Someone told me recently that I shouldn't deny someone the opportunity to bestow a blessing on someone else.  Makes a lot of sense...but I still feel guilty. 

 Taking hot bubble baths has been the only thing to lift my spirits a little bit.  My fur angels follow me everywhere.  Here they are while I take a hot bath.  I have to confess, I use the time while the water is running to cry.  That way Jeremiah doesn't here me.